Brain dump session #1

Hi guys!

So, I wrote these entries during my “brain dump sessions” when I am battling my ed thoughts inside my head and I need a mechanism to jot all my thoughts out. I wrote everything I was feeling in this brain dump doc and I will be posting entries occasionally because I want to showcase how it feels and my raw thoughts(plus I bolded these words while I was writing this at the time that is indicated):

May 13 #1

Okay, so it is currently 1am on May 13. I can’t sleep cus i’m bloated and suffering indigestion right now probably because of my period and because I starved myself in the morning lmao.

I’m currently in quarantine because of the covid pandemic.

There is SO many things going on my mind.

My mind just needs to dump things out.

I’ve been planning every single aspect of my day that is coming up. I need to tell myself that I don’t need to do that. Like tomorrow I have a plan of what I need to do in the morning-afternoon..

Also, my eating has not been great. At the start of quarantine, I started this workout challenge. Everything was fine. I was eating enough. However, my mind got absorbed at the thought of eating only “healthy foods”, like i LITERALLY only eat healthy foods. The thought of white bread terrifies me and just having them carelessly, along with stew and all that with so much sodium. For example, when my mother and sister got Chinese takeout and fried chicken, I did not eat them because I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. To be honest, this healthy eating thing started in the summer when I started cutting down because I had digestion problems. For the whole school year I was basically eating the same things for lunch and at school but I wasn’t too obsessive over food because I was busy and I didn’t count calories and dinner I ate much as I want to. But for lunch I still got scared if I didn’t have those things. And for breakfast I only have certain things. Quarantine started and this triggered my eating disorder. Since I was in control, I could eat how much, and what I wanted to eat. I started to look at idols and influencers and began to obtain a harmful mindset that I had to transform like them and that this was the perfect opportunity. I got indigestion once and I didn’t eat a lot. Then after for some reason I cut my calories to 200 in the morning and I started intermittent fasting. I don’t eat as much in the morning and even though I am so so so hungry I only eat 400 calories for lunch and I eat minimal amounts for snacks in between. For dinner I didn’t have a lot. However things are a lot better right now, because I’m noticing how I’m more tired nowadays and how I got nosebleeds. I need to stop going on the scale too. I want a good relationship with food. For example, yesterday I got a fricking huge burrito from chipotle!! before i was ordering, i went on the chipotle calorie counter and saw how many carbs and shot a burrito had. But y’know, I resisted these thoughts and got the burrito because I really needed it. And I had that burrito!! And the day before I ate for the first time some carbs: I ate a bun and I ate an instant wrap. My mom kept telling me that I need to eat like a normal person. Now I’m realizing that I’m tired of this mindset. I also had Vietnamese takeout!!! I’m slowly working on it. Also I kept getting indigestion every once in a while. Also I’m having trouble falling asleep. I also had a cracker. However today I felt “guilty” for eating a lot of carbs yesterday that I told myself that I can’t at a lot of carbs. Oh also I feel really obliged to exercise a lot on top of what I’m doing with chloe ting’s workout.

I NEED TO EAT MORE I NEED TO STOP COUNTING CALORIES I NEED TO LISTEN TO HOW I FEEL I NEED TO FEEL LESS OBSESSIVE ABOUT FOOD I NEED TO LISTEN TO MY BODY AND RESPOND TO MY Cravings!!!it’s good to eat healthy but I don’t want to be unhappy. I need to nourish my brain as I noticed my focus decreased. So tomorrow, I’m gonna have coffee, oatmeal, THEN I WILL HAVE A SNACK, then I will have lunch then I WILL HAVE A SNACK and I WILL NOT WORRY ABOUT CALORIES AND I WILL TRY NOT TO COUNT ANYMORE AND EAT WHEN i want to eat! I CAN DO THIS(:

some foods i want to try but my ED is holding me back: ramen, 짜빠게티, 짜장면, 탕수육,짬뽕— maybe we can order Chinese food takeout!!!

Also not going out and going to restaurants with friends is really making me go back to the phase again.

Gosh that feels so much better!!!my stomach still feels like crap though. I will come here when I’m struggling with food.

Please excuse my grammar and language LOL! But I didn't want to change anything from what I wrote that day. It's crazy to see how much I was struggling again and falling into the spiral then, as I am writing this on June 26th,2020, and I'm doing so much better(:

Take care of yourself and your body.

-C.