My friends, family, and members of my community describe me as a hardworking and conscientious individual. They often tell me that I am very driven and self-motivated, and praise my high level of productivity.
However what is not shown externally, is how much I struggle with my perfectionist tendencies, which is common in our society.
I am a person who prefers routine and structure. For example, I use the time-blocking method to organize my day, and assign tasks to certain specific times and I always am depended on to complete my tasks. I really enjoy planning beforehand as it reassures me. I am a goal-oriented person who has a clear outline of goals and I already have established many necessary plans for the future. Many tell me that I have my life “figured out” and that I am prepared for the future.
However, my high standard and expectations of myself and my plans often trouble me. For instance, if I sleep in and end up waking up later than my usual time or I don’t complete a task on my to-do list, these actions used to greatly perturb me. Constantly following a strict schedule (which emerged from my ED, ass during ED I basically planned out my entire day of when I was going to exercise, etc) started to take a toll on me. As I am really busy (busier than an average high school student from the things I do), maximizing my time became a big deal to me. But, I was unhappy. My mind would always swarm with the things I needed to do, which wouldn’t let me fall asleep and at a school extracurricular activity (that I quit because I was overloaded), I wasn’t enjoying it because I was stressed with all the other things that I needed to do. Also, I neglected myself. I felt guilty and still do for taking time for myself, when a break is necessary to re-charge my energy and help me move forward.
To be honest, I think that I never fully enjoyed the present moment of my life from the point ED started, until this quarantine where I finally could take a break from the craziness. I realized how I have been worrying too much, about the future and my goals and reprimanding myself so harshly. I also realized that even with a little bit of rest, I felt more energized and that it’s okay to not think about your tasks constantly and to plan ahead. I was denying the fact of how everyone does not have total control of their life because things happen.
I am working on accepting myself: with my body and my desires (to have the food I want), my mistakes, and my need to rest. I also am working on not being overly guilty or upset at myself when something goes wrong and to see things as an opportunity to learn and grow.
Society is extremely competitive today and the thought of stepping in there and trying to achieve my goal scares me. However, the mindset I now have is that I will try my best and see what happens. Some things happen due to luck but that doesn’t remove the effect of hard work on the outcome.
Life is hard for everybody. But, I just want to tell you that I am proud of you for trying your best.
-C.
Image credit: https://m.facebook.com/actionforhappiness/photos/a.641966085836300/3374992779200270/?type=3&source=57&__tn__=EH-R
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