I think this was written 2-3 weeks ago so mid June I believe!!
So basically as I mentioned before, I still struggle with eating. Thoughts about food constantly swarm my head. I feel obliged to only eat within a certain time frame; for instance, I stop myself from eating late. I also avoid salty or starchy foods, even if I REALLY REALLY WANTED TO eat them.
After my eating disorder, I had like two months of complete freedom from my thoughts a few months after I was weight restored. I was the happiest I could have been.But, summer hit and the thoughts came again along with the compulsion to always exercise and to only eat healthy foods.
School came around, and I still tended to avoid certain food groups. I only had the same lunches that I felt comfortable eating. I only ate healthy snacks and only ate little amounts of delicious food that my mom had cooked because I thought they were too salty or starchy.
Then quarantine and a long break came and I was at home. I started doing workout challenges for fun and started trying healthy recipes. However, I then fell in the same spiral of only eating these healthy foods and my fear of other foods escalated. With my increased time on social media, I spent time idolizing these thin k-pop models or other influencers. Moreover, whenever I wanted to eat something I wanted, I’d feel guilty for thinking that when I can clearly see that they were eating clean and maintaining their perfect body.
I started to get tired and my hair started falling out a lot more because I was deprived of nutrients. I started to lose sleep due to my stomach bloating at night. I started getting frequently constipated and having to always take digestive enzymes to settle my stomach. I make my own breakfast and lunch but for dinner I have to eat rice and side dishes with my family along with meat. Also, my mom gets mad if I eat too little because of my prior experience with my eating disorder. For dinner I still tried to avoid starchy or salty side dishes and only had the safe foods such as grilled meat that was not seasoned, vegetables and seaweed. I only scooped a scarce amount of rice.
My mom constantly is telling me that I should eat like a normal person. I can’t respond to that when she tells me: it’s hard. I can’t just one day decide to transform my mindset and these thoughts.
However, lately I am doing better. I now eat the takeout Chinese food we got, and I started to have more variety of side dishes. I even ate some late night snacks (like fruit) and am trying my best to listen to my body.
Because, I want to be happy and healthy enough to achieve my dreams in the future and I hope you will be too!
C.
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